Mae Lee Gibson on Why Belonging Isn't Tied to a Place

When someone asks me where I'm from, the answer is one word. USA. End of story. So I was curious what happens when I put the same question to someone whose answer takes a lot longer. That someone is Mae Lee Gibson, a counselor here in Hong Kong who works on identity and belonging with adoptees and third culture kids, a niche a lot of therapists don't touch.

Mae Lee is a third culture kid herself, and an adoptee. I'm neither, but my own sister was adopted, so this conversation was closer to home than I expected. We covered what people get wrong about adoption, why belonging has nothing to do with your passport, and what she'd say to someone who feels like they don't belong anywhere. Here's what she walked me through.

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They're not really asking where are you from. They're asking why do you sound like that.

Mae Lee Gibson, counselor and identity and belonging specialist

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Why “Where are you from?” never has a short answer

I asked Mae Lee how she introduces herself. The short answer is Hong Kong. Then comes the follow-up, and she's clear that people aren't really asking where she's from. They're asking why she looks the way she does and sounds the way she does. If they want more, she tells them her parents are from New Zealand, she grew up in Hong Kong, and she's adopted. That doesn't fit in one sentence.

Third culture kids recognize this instantly. When someone starts a sentence with “I grew up here,” another third culture kid knows a longer answer is coming. For people like me, whose answer is just a country name, the question is easy. For them, every introduction is a small act of explaining yourself.

Mae Lee says the biggest challenges she sees come from moving around. Settling into different countries and adapting takes time, even for kids who are very resilient. A child can be a big fish in a small pond, then move and find it's the opposite when they land.

What people get wrong about adoption

I asked what people who aren't adopted get wrong. According to Mae Lee, many of her clients say the people they meet assume adoption is an amazing, positive, happy event. It is, she says, but there's a lot more to it. It isn't only a happy experience.

A lot of adoptees, she explains, are grateful for the life they have and still want to know where they came from, including their culture and their history. That curiosity is completely separate from how they feel about their adoptive family. Adoption is positive, and it's also complicated.

The questions around belonging shift depending on the story. Someone adopted internationally may never have been to the country they were born in, which leaves real cultural confusion. Someone adopted within the country they're from may not have grown up with the local culture, so living in their birth country while feeling separate from it can be confusing too.

I told Mae Lee about my own sister. It was always normal in our house. I can't remember a time I didn't know she was adopted, and she was always just my sister. Then at a certain age she reached out to her biological family, and today she has a great relationship with them. I asked how Mae Lee guides people through that process, and her answer led to the heart of the conversation.

Belonging isn't a place

Belonging, Mae Lee says, isn't tied to a particular place. It doesn't have to be your passport country or the place you live. It can be created by people, and we can create it in ourselves or in a place.

For adoptees thinking about meeting their biological parents, she asks what they actually want to know. Often, she says, they don't want another parent. They just want to know where they came from, to fill in the gaps and have some peace of mind. Identity is also tangled up with the beliefs we absorb about who we are, which I've written about in why change gets so hard when beliefs become identity.

Where to start if you're curious about your roots

When I asked what the process looks like, Mae Lee's first answer was to tune into what feels most aligned. Notice which people make you feel relaxed, and which environments, hobbies and actions. Then notice the opposite, the things that feel uncomfortable. Curiosity is a good place to start, and you can take it further with a counselor or mental health practitioner if you want to.

If a client contacts her, the first thing she asks is what started the thought process. What do you want to know about yourself, about your birth parents, about where you belong? That question usually comes from an experience, something you learned, or something you learned about someone else. Understanding the reason first gives you a starting point.

From there, the path varies. Some people are happy to stay with their values and what's happening in their lives right now. Others have been thinking about roots tracing and finding their biological family for years. Either way, Mae Lee talks through what someone might find on the other side. That means doing research, reading books, looking at other people's shared experiences online, and talking to other adoptees. The process can be confronting, so she wants clients prepared for whatever comes, and if they aren't ready, she encourages them to take their time.

On the practical side, she says it depends on where you were adopted. If you were adopted internationally, the process is out of Hong Kong's hands. If you were adopted in Hong Kong, she named Mother's Choice, St. Christopher's and the Social Welfare Department as places to start, and warned that the process can be lengthy.

“I feel like I don't belong anywhere”: what she'd say in session one

I played the client. I've lived everywhere, my parents moved me around, I don't know my identity or my values, and I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I asked what she'd tell me in the first session. Her answer: you're not alone.

There are lots of third culture kids, she said, and also lots of adults who move to another country later in life and don't feel like they belong. They go home and feel like home no longer fits. For a child, it's an even more confusing time, because it's a developmental period.

From there she asks questions. What does it mean to feel like you're from somewhere? What does it mean to belong somewhere? Then, how can we create that belonging? It isn't about a place doing it for us, or a person doing it for us. The point is to give clients more ownership, so they can choose what actions to take.

What changes when people do the work

I asked what results she sees. The main one is an increase in confidence, she says, along with accountability and ownership of their lives. People start making more intentional actions so they get the result they want. They also take more risks. They reach out, make different friends, try different hobbies or sports, and test what fits them best. When they find it, they hold on to it, and their confidence grows.

I wondered how that works for people who are older and more set in their ways. Mae Lee says having someone alongside you makes a massive difference.

A cheerleader in your corner gives you accountability and someone to share the highs and lows with. I also asked about outside pressure from people telling you to just move on. For adolescents it can come from parents, she says, but parents usually want what's best for their child, and the pressure eases once they understand what makes their child happy. If you're parenting a teenager, Dr. Rick Smith on why you only get two questions with your teenager is a good companion to this. For adults, she finds the pressure is mostly internal, and it's usually smaller and comes from fewer people than they think.

The microaggressions third culture kids brace for

I asked what makes third culture kids different in the therapy room. Mae Lee's example from her own life: growing up in Hong Kong without being able to speak Cantonese. Locals look at her and see one of their own, but as soon as she opens her mouth they know she isn't. They'd comment, laugh at her, even get angry that she couldn't speak her own native language. As a child, she says, those experiences were confronting and stressful.

People are better now, she thinks, but the micro-aggressions haven't gone away. She and other third culture kids experience them weekly, maybe daily. They play in the back of your mind, and you're not always conscious of it, but sometimes you're bracing for it. She can relate to that, and she understands it in her clients.

Friends leaving, and the other side of it

Mae Lee also pointed to family. A third culture kid's parents may not be third culture kids themselves, so their upbringing is very different, and it can be hard for them to relate. That's partly just generational difference as well.

From the outside, she says, it's easy to look at third culture kids and think they're privileged and lucky, with so much travel and so many friends from different cultures. It is amazing, and there are two sides to everything. Hong Kong is very transient, so friends are constantly leaving. I hear the same from the kids I work with: a great year when all their friends were together, then the next year they're the only ones left, almost starting over. That's hard as an adolescent and as an adult. Loneliness is a theme I've written about from a different angle in why men have no friends.

Mae Lee stressed that there's another side. Those same kids build skills most people don't. They can grow close to people quickly, form friendships easily, and learn that they can rely on themselves more and more. It's sad, because the friendships meant something to them, but there's always the other side as well.

My takeaway is that “Where are you from?” can be a harder question than it looks, and not belonging anywhere isn't a character flaw. It's a common experience with a clear next step: get curious about what feels aligned, and build belonging on purpose, with other people.

Mae Lee Gibson is a counselor in Hong Kong who works with adoptees and third culture kids. You can find her at ting-space.com and on Instagram at @_ting_space.

If you're an expat or a third culture kid and not sure how to find the right therapist here, I've put together a guide to finding a therapist in Hong Kong. And if the question of where you belong is one you've been carrying for a while, book a free consultation and we'll take it one step at a time.