Why Setting Boundaries Is So F*ckn Hard

If you’re a human living in Hong Kong, or honestly anywhere in the world, I’m sure you already know you should have better boundaries. You’ve read the quotes on Instagram. You’ve listened to the podcasts. You’ve probably said the words “I really need to set better boundaries” right before saying yes to something you didn’t want for the tenth time.

In my sessions, boundaries come up constantly. People are exhausted, overwhelmed, pulled in a dozen directions by work, by family, by relationships, by friends, by Grindr/Tinder, by WhatsApp threads. Clients tell me they’re burnt out, resentful, or living a life that feels like it’s on someone else's terms.

Being bad at setting boundaries isn’t new. We have been trained to say “yes” to others since we were kids. So it’s not a weakness; we’ve just not been given the right tools to set healthy boundaries.

For men, we were raised to prioritise performance over presence. Taught to be the reliable one, the problem‑solver, the guy who can handle everything. To hide emotions and get the job done because our value is directly tied to what we do, not what we feel.

So when someone asks you for your time, your energy, your attention, you are predisposed to saying yes. Automatically. Immediately. Without checking what you actually want or if you have the time.

That’s many men’s work life. There is no balance because if we say “no” then we are not a team player. To climb the ladder or get the next client, we need to be overworked, seen as dependable and available 24/7.  When you think about it, you know it’s ridiculous. It’s not sustainable. But how many men actually say no?

Addiction, by the way, thrives here. If you’ve spent years burying your needs, you look for relief in other places like alcohol, cocaine, porn, sex, gambling, doom scrolling, anything that gives you a break from being “the guy who handles everything.” And when I work with addiction, I’m almost always also working with a guy who has no idea how to set boundaries.

So, what now?

Setting boundaries requires something most were never taught: slowing down and tuning in to your own internal signals. You don’t listen to your body. You push through exhaustion because “the client needs the deck by tomorrow.” You push down emotions in relationships because “I don’t want to start a fight.” And you keep quiet around the family because “it’s not worth the drama.”

There’s also a fear that most of us don’t say out loud. Say it with me! “If I say no, then I will let them down.” That’s how it feels anyway. We can also take it a step further. “If I say no, someone else will do it and I’ll lose out on the next whatever.” It’s a competition, isn’t it?

In Hong Kong, where competition is a part of daily life, the idea of stepping back, slowing down, or disappointing someone feels like professional or social suicide. So you keep saying yes. Even when you’re dying for a break.

And what happens when we are about to break? It comes out sideways. Frustration, fights, sexual dysfunction, substance abuse, depression, anxiety - any number of issues.

So when I ask a client to set a boundary, I’m not interested in whether he can say the words. I’m interested in whether he really believes and will commit to it. Putting his needs first. Because once that shifts, the rest becomes much easier. I will do this. I won’t do that. I put myself first.

And once you are aligned on your boundaries, what’s ok and what's not, your relationships get better, your  mental health gets better, your work improves, your sex life improves, your sense of self comes back. When you stop living for others' needs and start telling the truth about what you can and can’t give, everything becomes much clearer.

If setting boundaries feels weird, you’re not the only one. It’s your conditioning. But this can change with practice, and sometimes with someone sitting across from you calling you out on the bullshit.